Not That Guy Mom!

My mom is on a mission to marry me off.  She says she’s in no rush.  But she’s lying.  She’s ready for a (legitimate) grandchild.  Although, in a few years, she’ll welcome an illegitimate one.

My mom is always checking men’s hands for wedding bands. For some the ones who are married, she always says, “Of course he would be married.”  She’s tried to set me up with her former exterminator (ants!!!).  Then she killed it by telling me had 3 kids.  There’s nothing wrong with having 3 kids but if you have 3 kids, you’re most likely not going to want to have additional kids, right?

Then there was dude at church who has lived with a million women and married none.  Eventually, he found another victim. They’re still together.  And not married.

An acquaintance of my mom suggested the manager of her local Food Lion (grocery store).  I made a face.  My mom accused me of being elitist.  I said that I didn’t trust this woman’s judgment on anything, so I would pass.  I wouldn’t trust her to tell me that a restaurant had a good salad.  Seriously.  She’s tacky and crass personified.

Most recent and my favorite, Omar the guy who repaved her driveway.  She found out from her neighbor that he graduated from high school with me.  The neighbor has a daughter my age.  I said that I knew two Omars, when my mom asked if I remembered him.  I drilled down and confirmed that it was the Omar I hated.  Why did I hate Omar?  He had a smart-mouth and every time he opened his mouth he made everyone aware that he was a stupid buffoon.  He also tortured me during my eight grade language arts class.  I was the teacher’s pet and everyone knew it.  Omar would grab my butt every time I got up.  In an effort not to make it worse for myself, I never told my teacher. It finally stopped when, I grabbed my thick textbook and banged that shit on his hand full force.

To be honest, I wasn’t even aware that fool graduated from my high school.  He wasn’t someone I kept up with.  He would definitely be someone my childhood neighbor would keep up.  She liked to commence with the low-lifes of the school.

And yes, I know how snobby this sounds but if you knew Omar, you’d understand that he was slime.  My mom tried to suggest that people change.  I said that I forgive people for stuff they did in childhood but basically I still assume that you’re still slime.


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